TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
being pregnant is like rehab
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
