when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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