If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
