i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
