I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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