he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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