I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
