if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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