He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Green mimosas i think yes
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
