I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
