dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
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so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
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This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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