Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
