So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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