I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
