I wish I could punch you in the face.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
