Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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