God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
