You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
