Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
