i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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