All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
