wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
