Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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