So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
