I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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