every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
