Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
