3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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