4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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