worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
