He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
