You don't have asthma, your pregnant
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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