My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
