You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
