i just wanna soil my oats bro
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
