There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
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