i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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