you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I didn't notice because vodka
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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