He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
