New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
