thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
