i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
