I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
