i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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