i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
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i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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