***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
