i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
