Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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