yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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