I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
