I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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