Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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