so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
