My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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