so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
