Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
