sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
