The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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