ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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